Growing up, I was surrounded by pitbulls. I got to see so many sides of them. This led me to the conclusion that they are really beautiful dogs and I don’t mean just to look at. They are so gentle and so playful. I am not ignorant though. I know they can be pretty dangerous, but I also know that this is a direct consequence of being raised wrong, aggressively or being abused by humans who just don’t care to love them right.
As Neal left the door to drop his sister off at home last night, I very loudly and very clearly placed my order for a choc caramel mcflurry. It didn’t take too long for him to come back inside and tell me no. He explained to me that I had my last mcflurry for the year the other day and I made him promise not to let me have anymore for the next year at least. Ja ja…Who really cares at that time. The appetite wants what it wants. Or rather what it has been trained for the past 9 months to want (insert can’t watch monkey emoji). And for some reason I realized I was hungry too, all while he was having this conversation with me, I didn’t understand it though, after all I just had a meal at a wedding I got back from about 2 hours before placing this order. I shrugged it off and I added a cheeseburger and fries to my order. The last time I had this was at the end of the first trimester of my pregnancy and I never craved it again thereafter, but I wanted it now, and I got it. That and my mcfurry. Neal knows; a happy wife, a happy life 😉
The time was 8:15am. I just gave Eliana a bath, had a cup of moringa leaf tea, downloaded the NTC app on my phone and laid down my yoga mat in expectation for Eliana to fall asleep so I can start crawling into what I hope will be an effective working out routine. By 9:15 am, I realized lala land was not coming soon in her world, so I put her in her car seat in front of my yoga mat and started my work out. Somehow she didn’t cry once. She just chilled there. Wide awake, starring at the at the window the entire time until she eventually fell asleep.
“Jesus at the centre of it all. Jesus at the centre of it all. From beginning to the end, it will always be you. It’s always been you Jesus, Jesus. Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do. Jesus you’re the centre. Everything revolves around you. Jesus You. At the centre of it all.”
As they wheeled me into the operating room (theatre), I remember singing this song over and over. It’s an Isreal Houghton song. I wasn’t singing it because I was anxious or anything like that. In fact, my heart was filled with so much gratitude. Expectation. I felt blessed. I was happily overwhelmed.
I knew the facts though. I’ve been googling extensively throughout my pregnancy. I knew no matter which way I gave birth, there was sooooo many risks involved. Risks that could include death. It’s like my mom always says; ‘when you’re pregnant, you’re already standing with one foot in your grave’. Quite a gloomy way to look at pregnancy hey. I was so aware that there was a chance that I would not get to see my baby, hold her, know her. I knew all of that, but I also knew that God promised me a little girl more than 5 years ago and with this little girl He was going to bless me. Whatever fears were looming in my head and my heart, the truth remained my God loves us and He wanted to bless us with this little girl. This took me so long to understand, but when I did, I got it and Neal was really glad that did. My dear steadfast husband didn’t get my unbelief and while he didn’t entertain it, He was patient with me to get over it.
Pregnancy doesn’t always work out the way one wants, expects or plans. I was convinced the baby would come via natural labour by now, but she hasn’t. She weighs a full 3.98k’s already and I’ve been strongly adviced to consider birth by Ceasarian.
As a photographer, I’ve loved boudoir photography since before I started incorporating it into my business. I loved that I could use photography as a medium to help other women feel good about themselves and realize just how gorgeous they are.
About two nights ago, I was on a snacking spree. I wish I could say it was nice, but it really wasn’t. I had already had supper earlier on. So I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to eat. Not food, proper food. My snacking went from dried prunes to Pringles, to sour sweets, to cheese, to olives, to a small piece of left over chicken, to cucumber and lemon salad to anything that was around to eat in the house that I could eat. Until I wanted pop corn and berry juice. I went half crazy when the shop that’s walking distance from my home didn’t have popcorn. Neal eventually drove to the garage to get me popcorn pips & juice (it had to be berry blaze) and then somehow, after fustrustingly, consuming this, it was finally over! I was tired and no longer had an appetite. It felt like bliss, except for the amount of useless calories I just added to my body. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with eating. I love eating! But food needs to be enjoyed, savoured and it needs to be rich in nutrients! All of which was not the case last night.
I was listening to one of Pastor George’s podcasts a few days back (Pastor George pastors Fathers House Family church, a church Neal and I are blessed to know as our spiritual home). It was insane actually. You know how when you hear something that just blows your mind and if that’s not enough, the very message that blew your mind becomes a question and a guideline in your life for days thereafter? Now this was the case with me. Ps George was speaking about the freedom that following Jesus offers. In his sermon, he reminisced on something he heard Bishop T.D Jakes (no introductions necessary here, I am sure) say in one of his sermons. This just blew my mind. I literally had to stop the podcast, track back to the beginning of this part to write it all down. Basically, T.D Jakes was travelling in West Africa on a missions trip. He then met this guy who was his taxi driver. The guy started speaking to the bishop, asking him about his trip, how long he was staying, which hotel he was staying at, etc T.D Jakes answered him, saying which hotel he was staying in, etc. The guy then continued inviting himself for supper with Bishop Jakes to which he obviously got slightly annoyed. He had never met this guy and now he was inviting himself for supper. T.D Jakes then told the taxi driver, “you guys her in West Africa are actually quite arrogant, you don’t even know me, you just met me and yet you invite yourself over for supper.
If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you’d know by now that Neal & I are expecting! 😀 (it’s still slightly surreal). We found out at 6.5 weeks and while I was insanely overjoyed and somehow instantly felt like a mom, I was also filled with a range of other emotions. Fear & sadness being the most dominant. Allow me to explain. I had weird pains in the side of my abdomen for the week before we found out. I didn’t think I was pregnant, but I didn’t want anything else to be the cause of this pain. I eventually decided to get a test and to my absolute surprise it was positive, I told Neal and in disbelief, he convinced me to get another test, the most accurate one I could find. So the following Saturday morning, I went to Clicks and got a Clearblue test, the blue digital test that costs close to a R100? That one. It was positive too. Neal still wasn’t convinced and I already felt like a mom.
Hey pretty lady.
You are beautiful.
No really, you are. You are strong, capable, powerful, amazing, and talented; you are enough. Yes, I know this has not always been what you hear whether it is from society, your frienemies, or your inner critic, but it’s true. You literally are enough.